Preparing for Pregnancy, part I

Part I: Thinking it Through

Deciding to start a family is not something to be taken lightly. Adding a child to the mix will change your life forever, not to mention the life of the child yet to be born. With all the implications, impacts, and responsibilities that come with bringing a new baby into the world it would be a good idea to think things through and do a little planning and preparation before you begin trying to get pregnant. Ideally, you will begin the planning process at least three months before you begin trying, taking a year to prepare would be even better. If that feels like a long time, just remember how long you are going to have a child to care for!

To start, do a personal assessment. What are your reasons for wanting a child? Everybody will have slightly different answers, and none (well, most) aren’t wrong, but you need to be able to articulate your reasons for pursuing pregnancy. This, by the way, is true for both the mother and the father. What reservations do you have? If you have no reservations, think a little harder. Like I said, having a baby is life changing, you will have to give up certain things.

When you have thought through your motivations, hopes, and fears about pregnancy and child-rearing, think about your personal skills and weaknesses. How are you at being patient? Can you handle a messy house? When things begin to get uncomfortable (big belly, hormones, not to mention pushing a baby out) how will you handle it? What are your coping skills? Make an assessment of some of the very pragmatic elements involved in having a baby as well. How are you financially? Do you have health insurance (because you REALLY NEED health insurance)? Do you have a stable living environment (i.e. a stable home that is free from violence and other dangerous conditions)? What about the job situation? Does you or your spouse have a reasonably secure job?

Second, do a relationship assessment. There are many, many good, single parents in the world who work hard, love their children, and raise responsible adults, but single parenting is a hard road to take; it is not fair to you or to the child, who really needs the influence of both a mom and a dad. With that in mind, how stable is your relationship? A stable relationship is a relationship without abuse (physical, emotional, sexual), without secrets, and with complete trust. A stable relationship is a long-term relationship (i.e. 3-5 years) and is characterized by communications and compassion. Are you with the person you intend to stay with? Can you picture your spouse as a parent?

Having a child is something you need to discuss with your partner several times before actually trying to become pregnant. This might sound obvious, but it rarely occurs with the frequency and depth that it deserves. Part of the problem is we tend to assume that we know how our spouse feels about certain things because we know him/her so well about everything else. Moreover, there are many things that might seem obvious to you that are far from obvious to your spouse. So talk about pregnancy. Talk about what it will be like to be pregnant and what it will like to raise a child. Talk about discipline, talk about names. Talk about who is going to be in the room when the actual birth takes place. Talk about decorating the baby’s room, talk about feeding the baby. As each of you progress in this process of preparation and eventually pregnancy be sure to share insights, ideas, and bits of knowledge you learn along the way. There will almost certainly be some different opinions between the two of you, which is why it is a good idea to start this process early and allow time to sort everything out.

I mentioned that a stable relationship is a long-term relationship. Let me define that a little bit more and say why I think it is so important. To begin with, the count-down to “long-term” begins not when you first met or first started dating, but when you got married. Marriage changes a relationship, and people continue to change within a marriage. It is important that you get to know your partner as your spouse, not just your boyfriend/girlfriend. Also, when a third person comes into the house in the form of a small infant, you will find your time for each other dramatically reduced. The reasons for this are numerous, but in short you will be spending an amazing amount of time caring for the new baby and the rest of the time your body will cry out for sleep. There is no way that this can not be hard on a relationship (hard is not bad, hard is just hard) and it’s important to have a strong foundation when you go into it.

Third, do a social assessment. Having (or not having) a baby because your family and friends think you should (or should not) is ridiculous. But at the same time, it really helps to have their support. You don’t need to ask permission and you don’t even need to ask their opinion, but you will need to ask for their support. In some situations they will be unwilling/unable to give it, and many times they are unable to give enough of it, and if this is the case you should be prepared for it. Beyond your family and friends, how will the rest of your social network react? Where will you find support and where will you find resistance? Do you have a church community that can help you? What about a mentor or counselor? What will it be like at work?

As you do all of these assessments, be sure to spend time in prayer. Pray for your unborn baby, for your role as a parent and as a spouse. Pray for your partner and pray for yourself. Ask God for his guidance and protection as well as his blessings as you join him as a co-creator of a new life.

NEXT: Part II: Some Practical Steps